Feeling Like My Old Self - Negative Connotation
It's a confusing sensation, being grateful to live in a new house while feeling disconnected to my emotions. I recognize my thoughts, but I am having a hard time living in them, if that makes sense. I look outside my window and think wow, the tree in our front yard is so gorgeous. How cool is it to even have a tree out there. It's so vibrant, and the leaves blowing in the wind make me so happy. But in the same thought sequence, I have a headache and I feel nauseous. All of a sudden, that wonderful moment lost its magic.
A few years ago, I haphazardly and impulsively, spent a lot of money. Money which I should've been saved. As a child, when my mom came into extra cash, it was exciting. That meant we could finally buy things that we had been wanting for so long, but they were always things we didn't necessarily need. It became an exciting little game we'd play, a game that stayed with me for a long time. As I came into more money in my early adult years, I found myself slip into the same habit. I would fixate on a new, shiny item I found in a manic state. If I didn't buy them as soon as I could, my desire for them would completely consume my thoughts. So the reckless spending began. I would search for those moments of instant gratification, but like clockwork, after purchasing an item, a cloud of overwhelming guilt would rush over me. What was supposed to be a moment of gratification, became emotionally taxing. And, you'd think the negative experience would deter me for doing it again, but it never did. I still needed those small rushes, even if they were temporary.
All of this to say, I feel since moving into our new house, I have been fixated on buying things to make it how I had been dreaming it to be for so long. I feel grateful to finally be in the financial position to buy these things, without putting myself in a bad spot.
So, here I am to say, these old thoughts have reminded me of my old self - negative connotation. On a lighter note, this has at least put my mental health progress in perspective. I'm happy that these feelings have become less common as the years have gone on, and I plan to keep working through them.